How to Temper Your “Chocolate Conversations”to Avoid Conflict
Most of us have probably been in a conversation where we assume the other person is on the same page, only to find out later they had a different frame of context for the entire exchange. At the best of times, we discover these communication breakdowns through check-ins that identify any gaps before they become an issue.
Yet many times, these disconnects lead to conflict. In fact, recent Myers-Brigg research indicates poor communication is the number one cause of conflict.
In her book The Chocolate Conversation, Rose Fass explores this (mis)junction through an anecdote that has become an analogy for effective communication. The chocolate conversation is sweet if you are all on the same page, but a bittersweet source of potential conflict if you are not.
“There is no communication that is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.”― Luigina Sgarro
If you consider some of the primary principles of communication, it is easy to see how seemingly straightforward conversations can go astray. There are a few key things to remember to keep your message delivery from turning into some version of the “telephone game:”
- Our state of mind–including awareness and emotion–factors heavily into how we send, receive, interpret, and choose to act on the intended message. If we are not actively attuned to this for ourselves and our audience, there is a strong chance something could be missed or mistaken.
- Communication is a whole-body experience. There are the words and tone, but also the gestures, posture, and facial expressions that all contribute to the story. That is why clarity is critical in situations where we don’t receive contextual cues, such as in non-video calls, emails, or text messages.
- Consistency and common sense are important. Consistency in how often we communicate and the content of the message from exchange to exchange, and common sense about matching the mode or manner to the message. The Better.com layoff fiasco is an unfortunate example of sacrificing sensitivity for one-stop convenience.
- We are all carrying personal and professional “baggage.” At any moment that can pop up to influence the success of an exchange. That is particularly true when people change roles or industries. The learning curve in any new endeavor includes a change in perspective as well as workplace jargon.
“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” –Henry Winkler
Clear communication is not just about breaking down barriers in syntax and vocabulary. It is about building and maintaining successful relationships. Much like in our personal lives, our professional relationships rely on communication to instill respect and trust, which are key for productive collaboration and reducing conflict.
That’s important, because since the original 2008 Myers-Briggs study, workplace conflict has reportedly been on the rise. Nearly 40% of people in the 2022 study say they deal with conflict on the job often, very often, or all the time, compared to 29% who said so in the previous report.
Many of us have been under significant stress over the past few years. Navigating continued uncertainty at an accelerated pace of change can have physical and psychological impacts, including burnout and skepticism. Gaining and retaining respect and trust, then, requires some amount of self-awareness and vulnerability.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions–whether you are providing or receiving information. Seeking clarity or confirmation is not about revealing what you don’t know. Instead, it is about showing what you do know–that it is critical to have the right information to ensure you are on the same page and able to reach a common objective.
Don’t assume everyone is coming from the same place. A neurodivergent or sensory-impaired colleague may present and/or receive messages differently than you. Also, as workplaces are increasingly diverse, your cultural reference or slang might not land as intended with a colleague from a different background.
No matter the situation, avoiding assumptions and taking the time to ask and then accommodate or adapt as necessary saves time, money, and the need to mediate or mend fractured relationships.
“The effectiveness of communication is not defined by the communication, but by the response.” –Milton Erickson
Given how important workplace communication is for everything from ideation to pitching to production to marketing to sales, it is not overstating things to say that communication is big business.
Especially when it’s not effective and leads to conflict.
A GITNUX 2023 report on costs and outcomes for workplace conflict notes that 40% of respondents are less motivated when conflict arises. And in the U.S., those disaffected workers are spending an average of 2.8 hours per week resolving workplace disagreements, which is the equivalent of around $359 billion.
Preventing conflict through communication is phase one. But should conflict arise, good communication is also phase two: managing its impact. The same principles and considerations apply, because at all stages excellent communication is a two-way endeavor.
Again, it comes back to relationships. It is not useful to lay blame, become defensive, stop communicating, or try to “win” the conflict at all costs. A 2022 Niagara Institute study found nearly 60% of respondents turned to collaboration to successfully resolve conflict. Then comes phase three: broadly communicating the results of that collaboration to keep everyone informed about where things are going next.
So, in a “simple” conversation about chocolate, are you thinking of milk, dark, semisweet, unsweetened, or white? Bars, bites, brownies, beverages, cookies, or cakes? Fruit-filled, frosted, nutty, or with nougat?
Endless possibilities mean endless opportunities for things to go well or to go wrong. In the end, you just want to ensure you are doing everything to keep your communication efforts from turning into something unpalatable.
Summary:
- Consider these aspects of communication: Context, consistency, common sense, and changes in circumstance all impact how messages are delivered and received.
- Don’t assume. Ask questions to confirm someone understands your request or to clarify what they need from you.
- Be willing to collaborate–and potentially compromise–and make sure that not only comes through but is fully communicated so there are no future surprises.
There are a lot of considerations in effectively communicating to mitigate or prevent conflict. If you need someone to help you find your voice as a leader and/or explore conflict resolution methods that work for you and your team, I can help. Learn more about my coaching services here.
Connect with me:
Already a member? Subscribe to be notified when I publish.
Recent Comments