Everything Leaders Need to Know About Conflict They Learned in Kindergarten
Recently, I was talking to my daughter about conflict. She got into a fight with a friend at school and, instead of being punished, she and her friend were sent to the “repair mat.”
The idea was this was a place to help kids talk out their issues. (And in doing so, repair their relationship.) It struck me then how so many of the strategies from our early schooling are applicable to later life scenarios.
Conflict is unavoidable. Modern sociologists call it “both endemic and mundane.” In other words, it is a normal part of human interaction. So, most of us have at least one relationship that has experienced conflict.
When that relationship is professional, the result can have a trickle-down effect on other parts of our lives. With conflict reportedly on the rise in the workplace, leaders looking for solutions might want to take a page or two from their kindergarten primer.
“When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of just hacking at the leaves.” –Anthony J. D’Angelo
According to the 2022 Myers-Brigg Conflict at work report, managers spend an average of four hours a week dealing with conflict. On the surface, that may not sound like much. But subtract half a day each week from a leader’s schedule, plus whatever time employees have spent embroiled in the conflict itself, and it starts to add up to a significant loss in cost and productivity.
Which is why it is important to figure out where the conflict originates. Otherwise, you are just putting a lid on it until it boils over. Again. And again. In kindergarten, the questions around conflict don’t stop with “what” happened, they go to “why.”
Once you know why this happened, as a leader you can step in and help shape the next steps. Think beyond the moment to the big picture. Is this the right time to address it, or would another time and/or setting be better? Are the right people in the room to discuss it? Is everyone ready to participate in the process?
“To be heard you must first listen.”― Abhijit Naskar
In order to move forward, all parties involved need to make an effort to see each other’s point of view. Most conflict is due to communication issues. And even though communication is a two-way street, it often gets jammed with the day-to-day bustle of doing business.
Conflict communication benefits from neutral, open-ended questions that elicit explanations and don’t allow the parties involved to shut down with yes/no responses. Everyone needs to listen to understand each person’s take on (and stake in) the situation.
It can’t be overstated how important listening is to communication in general and conflict resolution in particular. Most of the focus should be on the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal cues. But some attention should be paid to people’s reactions as points for follow-up questions. All of it together shows respect and validates those feelings, whether or not you agree with how they are manifesting.
“It’s important to make sure that we’re talking with each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.” — Barack Obama
Which brings us to the specifics of how to manage the need for open communication. In kindergarten, this is the “repair mat.” In the workplace, this is about creating space where people feel they have psychological safety to speak honestly in an effort to improve the situation and (hopefully) relevant relationships.
Each person involved should clearly express their feelings and needs without being accusatory. Just like we learned in kindergarten, hitting is not okay. That includes “hitting below the belt” with irrelevant examples and/or personal attacks on others.
As a leader, ensure that everyone’s needs are identified and subsequently prioritized. A 2022 Niagara Institute study on conflict in the workplace found good news: more than 85% of respondents were willing to compromise to break a deadlock. Yet more than half were willing to restore harmony at the expense of their own needs.
Risking the pot boiling over. Again.
Transparency helps. With everyone’s cards on the table, it is more likely people will work creatively toward a resolution. That resolution may not be consensus, but like the saying goes, you can learn how to disagree without being disagreeable.
“We are stronger when we listen, and smarter when we share.” — Rania Al-Abdullah
Conflict can be uncomfortable, but it offers several opportunities for leaders (and their teams) to learn and evolve. Model and reinforce acceptable behavior and any new processes that result from the conflict. Empower employees by giving them the tools and training they need to break out the “repair mat” on their own, and only jump in if a meltdown looks imminent.
It is also important to remember that conflict is not necessarily bad. Despite its connotation of strife, conflict is usually what drives innovation. The clashing of ideas, the debate over approach–these are the things that create change.
In the Myers-Brigg report findings, nearly 1 in 4 people think their managers handle conflict poorly. The key is ensuring it is controlled within a culture that values respect as much as open expression, and has empathy to extreme pressures and stressors, particularly those that have emerged over the past few years.
That brings us back to our beginning, and the rules we learned as children. We listen and wait for our turn to speak. We share with others and respect what is shared with us. We follow the rules. And above all else, we are kind to each other.
Summary:
- Identify the root issue to be addressed to avoid a repeat occurrence of the conflict.
- Listen actively and with empathy to each person’s struggle.
- Ensure needs are expressed clearly on both/all sides to find points of synergy and a potential solution.
- Empower employees to solve conflict and evolve processes to accommodate solutions.
- Remember that conflict in a constructive environment can drive innovation.
Unresolved, unconstructive conflict can undermine your efforts as a leader. If you need someone to help you find conflict resolution methods that work for you and your team, I can help. Learn more about my coaching services here.
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